Sunday, January 31, 2010

Language guide

A belated happy new year! A new decade and still no hoverboard..

My computer(s) have been broken for a while, so I couldn't blog, but I replaced my netbook's trodden-on screen the other day, so my life can re-commence!

I have a theory, which has so far stood up to not-very-rigorous tests. It goes as follows: the only two things you need to learn to get by in any language are the words for "thank-you" and "cheers".

Here's my handy list:

  • Language Thank-you Cheers
  • Esperanto Dankon Je via sano!
  • French Merci Sante
  • Japanese Oregato Kampai
  • Welsh Diolch yn fawr Iechyd da
  • Klingon tlho' KaPLAA
  • Irish Go raibh maith agat Slainte
These are ones I've actually used (except Klingon!). Can anyone add to this list?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Lies, Tesco and Citylink

I ordered a printer about six weeks ago from Tesco direct. It was on offer and could print photos, but that doesn't matter. It didn't arrive on the specified dates, so I called the Tesco helpline. What followed was two conversations with Tesco phone answerers who believed their computers' version of events over my own.

During the first conversation, the man asked me repeatedly whether I was sure I hadn't received the printer. Oh, silly me, I must not have noticed receiving, signing for, unpacking and installing this comparatively large piece of heavily-packaged office equipment! How unobservant! How foolish! How sorry I am to have wasted your time, phone answerer man! In retrospect, I was far too polite in my actual reply of "no". Apparently it said 'delivered' on his screen, and in some 1984-esque way, that must therefore be the absolute truth. It being contrary to reality was inconsequential, and presumably reality's fault. Despite reality contradiciting his Great Truth, he told me that the courier would be contacted, following which I would receive an explanation and, hopefully, a printer.

This did not happen, so for a second time, I entrenched myself a seemingly infinite loop of ringing, followed over and over by a voice telling me that I had moved forward in the queue, and that my call would be answered shortly. Eventually a morose female voice answered, to assist me with my query/rant. It always takes me by surprise when someone actually answers, because I tune out whatever white noise they're making me pay to listen to and watch the telly. This girl's Computer Of Truth told her that City Link had reported that the package was delivered to "a secure location at the back of the property". I live in a terraced house, behind which there is a skip, so City Link are clearly thieving, lying bastards. Morose girl seemed surprised that my perception of reality did not seem to correspond with her computer's. Once again, I was told me that the matter would be investigated and that I would be informed of the situation.

That was two days ago, and I know that through a combination the ineptness of the Tesco customer service department and the thieving, lying bastardness of Citylink, I will have to phone them again.

Anyone been here before?